Birthdays Happun

For your birthday, I decided to write some puns but I hope they aren’t so bad you want to punch or cake me. I just couldn’t candle it if they made you flee from my presents. If it’s all the flame to you, I’ll try really card to make it up to you. Maybe if there are enough of them you’ll forgift the whole thing.

[Written for my wife]

Creative Haiku

This was the prompt in a “Creative Thinking” group I’m in at work: “Haikus are one of the most universal poems that anyone can create. Three lines of 5, 7, then 5 syllables. Write a 5-7-5 haiku about creativity.”

Here was my response:

A creative mind
Refuses to be constrained
So this last line has a lot more syllables than it was supposed to

Weekend Concert

A few of my musically inclined friends put on a festival this past weekend. They’ve been planning it for months, and I helped out with some of the logistics. Since most of them don’t write their own songs, they picked their favorite bands and styles to cover.

My friend Ariel Mullens covered some 80s and 90s hits and decided to go with the stage name Ari M. A few friends sang sea shanties, and named their group after a fish and the color of the sea: Bass Teal. There was a couple who did some children songs under the name A Farmer and A Dell.

My friends Katy and Jane wanted to do a performance piece where they shaved the fur off wild animals, including a grizzly, but animal rights organizations found out about it. When I received strongly worded letters, I had to tell them, “You can’t make that bear naked, ladies.” They asked, “Really?! We have to come up with a new act?!” I replied, “Yeah, that’s what I Zedd.”

A local microbrewery decided to come up with some special sweet beers for the occasion. They named them after famous candies, and brought along a light and creamy 3 Musketeers ale, a golden crisp pilsner Twix, and a dark M&M chocolate stout. Sadly, when I asked about others they’d attempted, they told me that, try as they might, they could brew no Mars.

I got my family to help out, too. We had lots of cameras to cover the event. My sister Diane took camera one, my uncle David camera two, my brother-in-law Tom took three, my cousin Naomi had four, and my nephew Jack’s on five. My ma Sally was MC. Since he’s shy, we had to put my Pa, Nick, at the desk, though.

It was a complete success. At the end, they asked everyone involved to come on stage for a bow. I watched from the wings until they started shouting for me to come out as well. “You want me to come up there?” I asked, to which everyone replied, “Yeah! You, too!”

News Limerick : March 7, 2019

It's Blockbuster's final location
Some visit it on their vacation
Though once quite routine
It's found a new sheen
With merchandise, hats, and libations

The World’s Last Blockbuster Has No Plans to Close

News Limerick: March 5, 2019

There’s trouble for Justin Trudeau
While not quite illegal it shows
When leaders do wrong
The oversight’s strong
At least up in Canada, no?

How Justin Trudeau Was Ensnared by Scandal: A Corruption Case and ‘Veiled Threats’

News Limerick: March 1, 2019

“My son-in-law’s working for me
Security clearance for he!
Some worries, you say?
Just shove them away!”
He said to the powers that be

Trump directed officials to give Kushner security clearance

News Limerick: February 28, 2017 (Cohen)

With papers provided by Cohen
It seems there’s some things quite worth knowing
But how ends this mess
Is anyone’s guess
It’s clear there’s a changing wind blowing

5 Revelations From Cohen: 2017 Checks, 'Catch-And-Kill,' Possible Book Deal

News Limerick: February 28, 2019 (North Korea)

The limelight’s a thing Trump’s enjoyed
With bluster he’s frequently toyed
But with no deal reached
Momentum’s been breached
I bet that he’s feeling Hanoi’d

Trump-Kim Summit Updates: ‘Sometimes You Have to Walk,’ Trump Says as Talks Collapse

News Limerick: February 27, 2019

With planes flying over Kashmir
And tensions are growing, I fear
One pilot shot down
As leaders all frown
Let's hope cooler heads will appear

India Pakistan: Kashmir fighting sees Indian aircraft downed

News Limerick: February 15, 2019

Since Amazon found its new site
Some locals declared "it's not right!
With tax breaks galore
We'll have to pay more!
So tell them to go fly a kite"

Amazon’s Retreat on New York City Headquarters Followed Unexpected Backlash

News Limerick: February 14, 2019

There once was a rover named Oppy
The size of a good old jalopy
It had a good run
The mission’s now done
Success like that’s so hard to copy

Rest well, rover

News Limerick: February 11, 2019

Releasing the year’s new emojis
Adds food (but not berries like gojis)
With wheelchairs and canes
And shapes bright and plain
There’s yo-yos and even banjojies!

Emoji Recently Added, v12.0

News Limerick: February 9, 2019

In FaceTime he found quite a bug
At first Apple only would shrug
But now that it’s patched
Rewards are dispatched
(Just please don’t look under the rug)

Apple releases FaceTime fix, rewards 14-year-old who discovered eavesdropping bug

News Limerick: February 8, 2019 Part II

The story then turns on a dime
They may have committed a crime
And if it’s for real
They broke their plea deal
And soon they’ll be serving some time

If AMI’s Jeff Bezos Shakedown Was Criminal, They Can Kiss Their Non-Prosecution Agreement Goodbye

News Limerick: February 8, 2019

Seems Bezos has had an affair
And Pecker has photos to share
Bu when things look tough
Ol’ Jeff calls his bluff
And turns the whole table with flair

No thank you, Mr. Pecker

News Limerick: February 7, 2019

Virginia’s a trio of scandal
It may just be too much to handle
From blackface to sex
One wonders what’s next
They’re burning all sides of the candle

Democrats face meltdown in Virginia as racial and sex charges confront party leaders

News Limerick: February 6, 2019

The news from the church truly stuns
Abuse by the priests of the nuns?!
To add to the scandal
Abortions were handled
By using unspecified funds

Pope Francis Acknowledges, For First Time, Sexual Abuse Of Nuns By Priests

News Limerick: January 30, 2019

You hear of the big polar vortex?
I hope they have jackets with Gore Tex
With such a chill breeze
I’d get a brain freeze
And feel it in my frontal cortex

Deadly polar vortex puts the Midwest in a deep freeze

News Limerick: January 26, 2019

The shutdown had got my head spinning
It ends a month after beginning
But as for the wall
He got nothing at all
I guess he was tired of winning

Trump Signs Bill Reopening Government for 3 Weeks in Surprise Retreat From Wall

News Limerick: January 25, 2019

They indicted that guy Roger Stone
Who for crimes he has done must atone
But when all’s said and done
Things have still just begun
For they don’t think he acted alone

Longtime Trump adviser Roger Stone indicted by special counsel in Russia investigation

News Limerick: January 24, 2019

There’s two presidents in Venezuela
Which I fear may distress mi abuela
For when invites are sent
Someone’s time will be spent
Thinking who to invite to the gala

A whole brunch of trouble

I’d like to tell you a story about my weekend. It starts out with a very kind invitation from an elderly widow a few houses up. Let’s call her Mrs. Whitman. I hear she doesn’t get out too much and is rather lonely, so I guess she decided she wanted to get to know her neighbors a bit better. She invited us and a few of her other neighbors over for a casual get together this morning.

Mrs. Whitman is apparently something of an experienced chef because she prepared some truly amazing food, much of it from scratch. The rolls and cheesy grits were quite tasty, but the quiche really blew me away. I had to compliment her on it, of course.

The problem is one of the other guys who was there. We’ll call him “Tony”. Tony is really competitive and can find a way to turn anything into a fight. I don’t know how he does it, but it always bothers me and I sometimes let it get under my skin a bit too much. In any case, today Tony was in rare form, even for him.

As soon as I complimented Mrs. Whitman’s quiche, Tony had to jump in with an even more superlative compliment comparing it to something he’d eaten on a fancy European trip across France and Italy and how this surpassed even the master chefs there. Flattered, Mrs. Whitman insisted he have the last slice.

I really don’t know what came over me. I think I said something like, “Oh, but I must have just a taste more, it’s truly divine” as I quickly reached for the pie server to cut off just a bit for myself. Tony’s hand was already halfway to there and we locked eyes as we each laid our hands on it.

That must be why we didn’t notice that the cut glass pitcher of sweet tea was right there next to it. Of course, our sudden movement as we each went to pull the server our way somehow ended up going sideways, and we knocked the half full pitcher right over into Mrs. Whitman’s lap. It bounced off and fell to the hard wood floor. As it landed just wrong, the handle snapped off and shattered.

To make matters worse, that delicate pitcher had been a wedding gift and was one of the few things she had left that brought to mind her dear departed husband. Needless to say, the brunch was completely ruined in that single instant. Nothing either of us could say could repair the damage done. We all said our goodbyes rather awkwardly shortly thereafter and I don’t expect to be invited back.

It just goes to show - one mad grapple spoils the brunch.

Oh, and if you're feeling bad for Mrs. Whitman? She really only invited us over because she’s the leader of a local grannie gang. She wanted us all out of our houses so her people could break into our places.

Luckily we have a good security system, “Safe Hello”, which caught them and set off an alarm. By the time we were on our way out, the cops had already arrived at the street and were rounding up the culprits.

Here’s the real twist, though. Tony is one of their enforcers and was in on it too! So we know due to Safe Hello Tony’s Whitman’s friend.